To Save a Life
by danfic
Summary: (A danisnotonfire fanfic). The life you save may also be your own. *WARNING* contains strong self-harm and suicide.
1. I'm just tired, so very tired

I climbed the steps, getting more and more nervous with every step. I was going to do it. I was going to do _it. _I had planned on doing it for so long but I hadn't had the courage to. But now I did.

_Come on Liz. You have to. Do it for yourself. Do it for everyone else_ I whispered to myself as I climbed higher and higher, gritting my teeth so I didn't back out. _It'll be better if you do it. You'll be free. You'll finally be free_.

I finally reached the top, my feet, enclosed in battered Converse, aching. _Don't lose your nerve now Liz. You can do this_. I stood still and looked around, trying to find my perfect spot. I saw another person huddled at the edge, their legs dangling over the edge. Were they going to do what I was? But where they were sitting was the perfect spot for me to just _disappear_.

I walked over and sat down, close to them. I tried to hold back the tears as I plucked up my courage to go. All the moments had led up to this one. I looked at the person next to me, whose head then swivelled in my direction. It was a guy of about my age with brown hair and brown eyes.

'What are you doing here?' He whispered, almost angrily.

'I…I…' I started choking up. 'I'm going to leave'.

'Leave what?' he seemed intrigued.

'Leave this world' I said softly in reply.

'Why' he didn't say it as a question, more of statement.

'I can't deal with it anymore. I've lost myself and I can't find my way back. I don't know who I am. I can't do this anymore' I said, staring into the horizon. 'I'm just tired. So very tired'.

'Same' he said, turning his head to look at me. 'That's why I'm here too. No one cares. It's easier for me to just _leave_'.

'I care' I murmured. I had only known the guy for about two minutes but I _cared. _He was going through the same pain as me. He _understood_.

'You do?' he whispered to me. 'Why do you care about _me?'_

'Because you understand what it's like' I said simply. I looked down; both of our feet were dangling in the air, mine in Converse, and his in dirty hightops. Just one movement and we could both be gone. Just one movement. I looked at the people far below us, some rushing through the crowds, some casually ambling along, without a care in the world. Every single person below us was completely oblivious to the fact that there were two teenagers above them. Planning on ending their own lives.

'I've always been alone' I carried on. 'I've never really had anyone. Nobody understands the pain I've been in'.

'I understand' the boy replied. 'But now you've got me. I'm here. I understand'. He reached out for my hand and I took it. His hand was warm and I shivered, I was only wearing a thin grey t-shirt. I looked down, my hand entwined with his. Scars covered my forearms and wrists, some purple, some white, some read. I had always tried to cover them, but today, I decided I wanted to be free. _Nobody would ever love a girl with scars_.

'Tell me your story. Tell me about your life' he said.

'Alright' I agreed. 'Well, I'm 21 and I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14. I've struggled through it for 7 years on my own, with no one to help me. No one to encourage me. At times, it would get so bad that I would cut. I would cut so deeply that the blood seemed as if it would never stop. I would cry in pain, wishing for it to end. I couldn't take much more but cutting was a relief for me. I was in control when I did, my emotional pain turned to physical pain. Cut after cut after cut. My mum is an alcoholic and my dad fucked off when I was younger. I never see my mum, she's always out either drinking or over at her boyfriend's house, who was a drug addict. I've been alone my whole life'. I paused for a breath. 'What about you?'

The boy shuffled closer to me, still holding my hand. 'Ok, I'm also 21 and like you, I was diagnosed with depression. But I was only diagnosed last year. Life would just get so bad, y'know. I never cut, I always thought that I never wanted to die but now I'm not so sure'.

'We think we want to die. But in reality, I think we just want to be _saved_' I whispered.

'Exactly' he said softy in reply. 'You know you said you've never had anyone? Well, now you have me. I'll help you. Like me, you want help. But I get the feeling you don't want to ask. Am I right?'

'You're right' I sighed. 'People would have judged me. I was afraid I would be seen as an Emo, a suicidal-freak. Because people wouldn't understand. People make jokes out of cutting but it's no joke. They don't realise the pain you have to be in to drag a knife, a blade, over and over your skin again. Just to bleed. To let it all out. To feel better'.

'You're not an Emo or a suicidal-freak. You're just a girl who's alone. A girl who's scared. And you know what, I don't care. Because today, you've saved me'.

'You saved me too' I replied softly. The boy and I both stood up, still holding hands and we walked to the stairway that led off the roof.

We both walked down the stairs in silence. I trusted the boy. We got to the bottom of the stairs and we walked out of the building onto the busy street, lined with hundreds of people going about their everyday life.

'Well, it was nice meeting you' the boy said, looked at me.

'You too' I replied. 'And thank you'.

'Thank you too'. He said quietly, his eyes penetrating mine. 'Well, I'd better get going. See you soon'.

'Yep, see you' I mumbled.

'Remember, I have faith in you. Keep strong, ok?' he looked at me for one last time, his eyes filled with trust, before walking away.

Knowing someone was by your side no matter what – helping you fight your battles and achieve your goals, and always having faith in you, even when you lost sight of your own strengths – was the true meaning of trust.


	2. The thought has never left my mind

It was beginning to rain. I walked with my head down, trying to get away unnoticed, I didn't want to attract attention to myself. I liked being the girl in the background; the invisible girl. The girl who no one noticed.

I walked past all the shops I used to love shopping in, with gorgeous t-shirts and vests displayed in the window. I couldn't remember the last time I wore a t-shirt, because if I did, my scars would show. And if I unveiled my arms to the world, people would recoil in horror. _How could she do that to herself?_ That's the thing, I _don't know. _It started out with one innocent cut; I vowed to myself that I wouldn't do it again. But I did. I cut more and more, my cuts getting deeper and deeper each time. They are a constant reminder of my past, my life. And I can't get away from them. They're now a part of me.

I carried on walking, getting lost in the journey that led from the old me to the person that I am now. Cold. A joke. Alone. Self-harming. Suicidal. The rain got heavier and heavier until it blurred my vision. The sound of rain gently hitting the concrete was peaceful, the streets had cleared. No one wants to walk in the rain. It was just me, a lonely girl walking on her own in the rain. I wondered what other people thought of me, did I look lost? Did I look suicidal? Or did I look fine? Because that's the thing, no one knows how messed-up I really am. I just place a smile on my face and everybody thinks I'm the happiest girl on the planet.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't know where I was headed. I had left the city and was now in some suburbs somewhere. Rows of pretty white houses lined the street, bright colourful flowers in the flowerbeds. People were talking to one another over the hedges that separated the houses. Kids were yelling as they raced down the street on their bikes. Everyone looked so _happy_. It was a completely different world here.

People began to look my way as I made my way down the street, dodging dogs, children, bins the lot. I shoved my hands in my pockets and kept my head down, staring at the cracks in the pavement. I suddenly realised I was lost. Completely lost. Cautiously, I headed over to a boy sitting on a wall outside a white 2 story house.

'Hey. Do you know where Kensington is?' I asked him, avoiding eye contact.

'Um yeah' the tone of his voice made me look up and he was looking at me as if I was stupid. 'You're in it'.

'Oh. Right. I haven't been in this part before. Do you know how to get to Clements road from here?' I looked at the boy, who curly brown hair and green eyes.

'2 streets to the left' he answered me, staring hard at my face. His eyes then travelled down the length of my body, stopping at my arms. I felt self-conscious as I tried to cover them. His eyes widened as he took in scar after scar. _You don't understand! _I wanted to shout out, but of course, I didn't.

'Thanks' I muttered as I turned away and followed his directions. Finally, I arrived at my street and made my way to the little brick house I lived in with my alcoholic mum and her drug addict boyfriend. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door, greeted by the familiar smell of beer and weed. I quickly walked upstairs to my room, not wanting to be greeted by my mum or her twat of a boyfriend.

I closed the door behind me, sighing. My room was nothing special, a double bed in the centre, wardrobe, desk and a chest of drawers. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked a mess, dark circles under my brown eyes, black eyeliner smudged around my eyes, hollowed cheeks. I then looked at my desk, on the left side of it were my blades lined up in order of size. I walked hesitantly over to them and sat down on the rickety chair and my hand reached out. _No. don't do it_ a little voice in my head said. _Do it for that boy. The boy who saved you_. My wrists were saying _do it_ but my head was saying _don't. _I needed to focus elsewhere. Why didn't I catch that boy's name? _God Liz, he saved your life and you didn't even ask for his name? Idiot! _

I didn't know what to do; I didn't even know the time. I looked out of the window to see darkness beginning to settle, so it must be night time. I pulled off my skinny jeans and t shirt to see a frail body covered in cuts and scars. _It was the cat_ I used to tell people when they asked me why I had a cut on my arm. That was when I first started to cut, before I had to wear long sleeves 24/7. Plus, I didn't even have a cat. My fingers traced my scars, tracing the uneven skin. I slipped into bed and pulled the covers over my head, drifting off to sleep. I enjoyed sleeping. Why? Because, like cutting, it stopped the pain. Temporarily of course. But for that small amount of time, I didn't have to worry, I didn't have to be in pain and most importantly, I didn't feel anything.

'Get up you lazy slut' I heard my mum say outside my door, her words slurring together. I checked the time on my phone, 9am. She had been drinking all damned night. Like usual. I didn't bother answering but I got up anyway, pulling on yesterday's jeans and a long sleeved black top, piling on the bracelets. I couldn't be in this house any longer and grabbed my phone and rushed out, slamming the door behind me.

This time, I walked back to the pretty street. I liked it here; it was peaceful although it was busier than yesterday. A bunch of lads were sitting on a wall and I recognized the guy from yesterday who gave me directions. He obviously recognized me too as when I walked past, he smiled at me. I studied him, he had a nice smile and he seemed pretty tall. I then looked at the boys surrounding him. Another was tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes; another had black hair with piercing blue eyes. And the final one had dark, straight, brown hair and brown eyes. I looked at the one with straight, dark hair again and I realised it was the guy from the roof top yesterday. The one who had saved me. He looked over at me and his eyes displayed recognition. He got up and walked over to me, the rest of his mates looking on in amazement. A popular guy talking to a freak, a cutter. No doubt Green eyes told his mates that he met a dumb self-harmer yesterday.

'Hey. Didn't think I would see you again' he said gently, so only I could hear.

'Yeah. Nor did I'. I agreed. 'Yesterday…I…Thank you' I stumbled over my words.

'I know. Me too. And…Thank you too'. He held out his hand, his arm was clean, no cuts or scars in sight. 'Dan. Dan Howell.

I shook his hand. 'Liz Cooper' I replied.

He looked at my arm, now covered in bracelets and wristbands. 'Why cover them?'

'Because I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I mean, who would love a girl with scars?'

'Why? Your scars show people that you've been through hell but you've _survived_. I would, it doesn't matter to me'.

'Really? So if a girl had millions of scars, you wouldn't care? _At all?'_

'No' Dan answered. 'Because it means she's alive and that she's _here'. _He smiled, showing perfect white teeth. 'And remember, if any time you need help, someone to talk to, I'm here'.

'Thanks' I said, looking at him. He held out his phone and told me to put my number in, so he could make sure I was ok 'at any time'.

'Cheers' he said as I handed his iPhone back.

'No. Thank you. No one's ever told me that I can talk to them. No one has ever offered to help me' I whispered sadly.

'I'm different than most people Liz. I understand what you're going through. Because I'm going through it too. Not even my best friends knew where I went yesterday, where I met you'.

'No one knows that I did either. And if they did, they wouldn't care. They would be glad if I did go'.

Dan suddenly gripped me by the forearms. 'Never say that' he whispered fiercely. 'People do care Liz. I care. Now, tell me truthfully: how many times have you thought about ending your own life?'

'Once' I replied, looking at Dan. 'The thought has never left my mind'.


	3. And eventually, you reach your limit

'You've always thought about suicide?' Dan whispered, his eyes wide but sad.

'Yeah' I nodded. 'No one cared. I would wear long sleeves every single day, even in the summer, and no one asked why, no one noticed. Or maybe they did but they didn't care. Or asked why I wore millions of bracelets and wristbands. They probably thought I liked jewellery or something. But in fact, it was to cover my scars'.

'Take them off' Dan said.

'What?'

'Take the bracelets off. Show them to the world. Show the world that you're not afraid anymore'.

'I…I can't'.

'Yes you can. So what, you used to cut. Big deal. Thousands of others do too, but like you, they're too scared to reveal them. So, show them'.

I looked at Dan, his face confident but at the same time, sad.

'Ok' I said, beginning to pull off the bracelets and wristbands. 'Done' I said, a pile in my hand.

'Good' he said. 'Now come and meet my friends; he pulled me towards them but I hung back.

'Dan, I can't. They won't understand'.

'How'd you know? Unless you try?' I couldn't argue with that so I let myself be dragged towards his mates.

'Guys, this is Liz. She's a friend of mine'. I awkwardly waved hello but stayed silent. My scars were on full view now, nothing to hide or cover them.

'I'm Peej' Green eyes was the first to speak.

'Chris' the other brown haired one joined in.

Blue eyes just looked at me, his eyes full of pity. He could tell that my scars weren't accidental. 'Phil' he eventually answered.

'Um. Hey' I spoke to all of them. I inwardly cringed, this was painful.

'So, how'd you know Dan?' Peej said. I looked at Dan in horror, how could I explain that we were both planning on ending our lives in front of his mates?

'Oh, just met him in town' I said vaguely.

'Oh cool' Chris replied

'Why've you got scars all over your arms?' Peej asked me. I froze, not knowing what to say. I caught Dan's eye and he nodded.

'I…Um…I used to self-harm' I admitted reluctantly. Peej and Chris looked at me in shock but Phil just looked at me sadly, almost as if he knew what was going on in my life.

'Oh right' Chris was the first to recover. 'Why did you start?' he asked me bluntly.

I shrugged. 'Relief' was all I said. I could tell that they knew that I didn't want to expand so they thankfully changed the topic.

They all started talking about the internet and videos and I felt myself drifting off. I've always wondered what it would be like to wake up happy. Have nice, clean arms, no scars in sight. Long, willowy legs, again, no scars to see. Have a perfect face, have loads of friends. Feel wanted. Know that people cared. But instead, I wake up miserable. Cuts covering my arms and legs. Knowing I wasn't wanted. Knowing that people didn't care. I was a waste.

I quietly stood up, the boys were still engrossed in a conversation I had no clue about, and slipped away. They didn't notice of course, I was the invisible girl. I got to the end of the road and looked back. Dan was staring at me, his eyes boring into mine. He shook his head once before turning back to his friends. I turned away and carried on home.

'There you are' Matt, my mum's boyfriend, leered at me. I dodged around him.

'Where's mum?' I asked.

'In the kitchen' he replied, his breath stank of weed. I nodded to achknowledge his answer and ran up the stairs to my room, bolting the door shut behind me. My phone vibrated. It was Dan.

"Why did you leave?" he asked me.

"I just had to ok. Please don't ask why" I replied back.

My phone buzzed a few minutes later. "Just making sure you're ok".

"I'm" I paused, searching for the right word. "Fine". Send.

I then heard a knock on my door. I opened it to see my mum standing there, eyes bloodshot.

'Baaaaby girl' she slurred. The she caught a glimpse of my scars. 'What are theeeeeeey?'

'Cat scratches mum. No big deal' I lied.

'Ah, yes, cats, always fucking scratching, ain't they? Well, I'll leave you too it. Whatever you're doing'. She was obviously drunk out of her mind; we've never even _owned _a cat. I shut the door once again and locked it.

This time, I sat down on my bed and cried. Have you ever just cried because you're not good enough? Because you're alone? Because no one cares enough to ask? Because you've lied to everyone saying you're fine when in reality, you're not. Have you ever just cried because you think you're ugly? Fat? Worthless? Have you ever counted all of your flaws while staring into the mirror? Hating what you see? Counting your flaws to make yourself feel worse? Cried because you're family's a mess, your so-called friends hate you? Cried when you dragged a blade across your skin? Cried when you saw the blood beginning to appear and just didn't stop? Cried because you wished it could all be over? Cried because people tell you that you're fine, there are people in poverty-stricken countries that are far worse than you? But you don't want to be a burden to everybody, so you bottle it up. And eventually, you reach your limit. So when you're alone, you just break down and just _cry. _

My phone chimed, indicating a new message. It was Dan again.

"I know you're not. Don't try and pretend everything's ok Liz. I know it's not. But together, we can get you through it".

This time, I smiled through my tears. Because I realised that for once in my life, I had _somebody_.

_Hey guys,_

_I'm interested to know your opinion on To Save a Life so far, whether you're liking it or not so could you please leave your opinion in the 'reviews' section as it really helps me!_

_Thanks._

_-K_


	4. I was fading, and I was fading fast

"Thank you" I replied to Dan, pressing send. Sometimes, fewer words have more of an impact then more words strung together.

"Wanna come over?" I got a message back a few moments later. I hesitated before replying. I actually _liked _being on my own. It gave me time to think. It gave me time to figure out who _I _was. However, there's a difference between being _alone _and being _lonely. _

"Not today but thanks" I eventually replied. I didn't get a reply. Did I piss him off?

Someone knocked on my door again. 'Let me in!' Matt called. I reluctantly got up and opened the door.

'Yeah?' I asked him.

'Just letting you know what your mum and I are going out' he said, looking me up and down, like my mum, his eyes were bloodshot. He was drunk and stoned. His eyes then focused on my wrists. 'What the _fuck? _Are you _cutting _yourself?'

I didn't reply. I guess my silence answered him.

He started to laugh. 'God Liz. You're a mess, why the fuck are you cutting yourself? Turning Emo are we? I guess that explains why no one hangs around with you' he crackled, nearly falling over. I knew he was completely out of it, but his words _hurt_. 'You're just attention seeking Liz. You're only doing this for attention, and guess what; I won't give it to you. Just give it up. Stop being miserable. Just stop being _you'_.

'Later' I said, slamming the door in his face. I walked over to my desk and sat down, staring at my razor blades. All neatly lined up, all waiting to be used. I waited until I heard the car engine start and roll down the stone driveway before I hesitantly picked the largest one up.

I toyed with it in my fingers, rolling it around. My fingers gently grazing the sharp edge. I looked at my flawed arm and Matt's words replayed in my head. _You're a mess_. He was right, I _was _a mess. A complete and utter mess. And if a drunken Matt noticed it, then anybody would. _Stop being miserable_. _Attention seeker_. I lifted my hand and placed the blade on my skin, teasing myself as I drew it across lightly.

_Stop being you_.

That was it. I couldn't take it any longer. I pressed harder and drew the sharp blade across my skin. Bright red dots of blood began to appear and the blood started to drip down my arm.

I cut again and again. Every cut for every insult. Every time someone hurt my feelings. Every cut for every time I wanted to die.

My arm was now bright red and the blood was dripping onto the carpet but I didn't care. I was in _control_.

It _hurt_. I began crying. I was alone. And no one was here to help me.

I switched hands so I could cut my other arm. I dragged the blade across my skin countless times. I was now screaming and sobbing desperately. The blood wasn't stopping. It was coming quicker and faster, running down my arm, leaving red streaks.

I gasped in pain as I dug the blade in too deep on my wrist, scraping it across. The pain was now excruciating.

Was I _dying?_

Did I _want _to die?

I kept on screaming, hoping someone would hear me. But of course, no one does. And no one would.

Was it going to be over?

Was _I _going to be over?

What would my mum say? And Matt? Despite all their flaws, I _think _they loved me. I _think_. What would Dan say? Would he be disappointed? Sad? Or did he know all along that I wasn't going to be able to hold on? Did he know I was a time bomb? Just waiting to go off?

The darkness began to creep in. My vision getting darker and darker. I was fading. And I was fading fast.

I screamed one last time, hoping and praying that someone_, anyone, _would hear me. And _save _me.

I fell to the ground and the darkness then engulfed me.


	5. Is is all going to be worth it?

I woke up in a white room. _Where the hell was I? What was I doing here? _

'I think she's coming around' I hear a female voice say.

'Ugh' I moaned and I suddenly heard whispers. _What the fuck was going on?_ I opened my eyes to see my mum and Matt staring at me. And the funny thing was, they looked sober. Something wasn't right then.

'What the hell?' I murmured. I saw my mum walk over to me and she placed her hand on my arm. 'Where am I?'

'Darling' she sounded strained. 'You're in hospital'.

'What. Why am I here?'

Instead of speaking, she gently turned my arm over so I was looking at my forearm. Staring at the cuts all stitched together, I remembered. I was alone in my house and I had cut too deeply. I remember screaming then blacking out.

'Oh' was all I said.

'Your friend Dan bought you here' _Dan? How did he find me? And more importantly, why did he decide to come to my house?_

'Oh' I repeated.

'He's outside, shall I let him in?' I nodded and she walked out. Leaving Matt staring at me, as if I were the most disgusting creature on the planet.

'Hey Liz' Dan said gently, walking nervously into the room. My mum looked from Dan to me and motioned for Matt to leave with her.

Dan came and sat down on the chair next to me and held my hand.

'Why' I croaked. 'Why did you save me?'

'I guessed what you were going to do' he said, staring at the ground. 'I was worried, so I came over. No one answered the door so I got in through the window. And I saw you, lying down on your bedroom floor. I thought you were dead'.

'Why didn't you let me die? It would have been easier that way'.

'Because you saved my life when we first met, on that rooftop' he said simply. 'So I had to save yours'.

'But I _wanted _to Dan'.

'No you didn't Liz' he whispered urgently. 'You just wanted to be saved,like you said when we first met. But in order to save a life_; _firstyou must save your own'.

I looked at Dan then, his eyes moist and glassy. I squeezed his hand gently. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.

The doctor then entered the room. He was young, with light brown hair and black rimmed glasses.

'How are you feeling Liz? I'm Dr Harris'

I shrugged. 'Fine'.

'Good. Do you remember what happened?' I nodded and he wrote down on his clipboard. 'Now Liz, I was just saying to your parents that it would be a good idea to get help'.

'Help?' I stared incredulously at him. 'You mean like therapy? Or have a _shrink?'_

'That's exactly what I mean Liz…'

'No fucking way' I declared. 'I am NOT having counselling. I'm _fine'._

'Liz, you're not fine. You tried to kill yourself' he said patiently.

'No I didn't!' I cried. 'I didn't purposely try to kill myself. I just cut a little too deeply, that's all'.

'You need to see someone to stop yourself from self-mutilating your body at least'.

'No' I spat. 'No way in hell am I going. I'd rather _die _first'. I saw Dan flinch at my statement and I felt slightly bad. Oh well.

I saw the Dr Harris stare at Dan, desperation in his eyes. 'I'll leave you to think about it' was all he said before leaving the room.

'Liz. You should at least think about it' Dan said gently, in case I bit his head off.

'No. I'm not paying to see some old person sit and get inside my head. Telling me that I missed my dad, that I was lonely but I _know _what's wrong with me. I'm just fucked up. I'm just a messed up girl, that's all. I don't need physiological help'.

Dan could see I wasn't going to give up so he just left it.

'Why did you do it again?' I knew he was asking about my cutting.

'I just felt low. I needed to let out my feelings, alright? What's wrong with that?'

Dan sighed. I could see that he was getting tired of my attitude. 'You're tired. You need some rest' was all he said. 'I'll come and visit you soon, ok Liz?'

I just nodded and closed my eyes. I wanted to hit myself. The only person who was willing to help me was the person who I was pushing away. That's one and probably the only thing I'm good at; pushing people away until they don't want to know me anymore.

I closed my eyes and dropped off, like Dan wanted me too.

I was sitting on a rooftop, staring over the city below me. My feet were hanging over the edge, my hands in my lap. I looked down, cars whizzing past each other. Building lights lighting up the whole city. It was night and there was no one around. It was the perfect time. I moved forwards slightly so I was millimetres from the edge. _I'm sorry _I whispered. Not just to myself, but to everyone who had ever been in contact with me. _If you don't do it now, you'll regret it later on_. I placed my hands on the rooftop and pushed myself off. And there I was, falling through the sky. I passed floor after floor and no one looked out of the windows. The wind whistling past my ears; my eyes watering; my long hair flying out behind me. My mind was blank. _Is it all going to be worth it?_ And then I hit the concrete, my head smashing against it, my bones breaking, my neck snapping back. Dead.

I woke up screaming and I saw Dr Harris rush into the room with two nurses by his side. The two nurses grabbed me by my arm and held me still as Dr Harris injected a needle into me. I thrashed at the nurses, trying to get away from their grip but they held firm. I was trapped.

'I DON'T NEED HELP' I shrieked. 'I DON'T! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M FINE. I'M FINE. I'M _FINE'._

'Nurse Foster, please take Ms Cooper along to the psychiatric ward'. Dr Harris said calmly. 'Then we'll decide what to do with Liz'.


	6. That's the easiest thing to do

I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes. I was being admitted to the _psychiatric_ part of the hospital. For _mental _patients. I kept quiet, not wanting to fuss anymore. I was being admitted there, and there was nothing I could do.

They wheeled me in, and everyone turned to stare at the tired looking, black haired girl. Wondering what she was in here for. I didn't need to be in here. I didn't _deserve_ to be here. I wasn't mental. I was sane. But emotionally messed up at the same time.

Nurse Foster and other nurse, who I didn't know the name of, helped me out of the wheelchair and placed me on a blue suede sofa. I crossed my arms and looked sullenly around the room.

'Liz' the other nurse whispered to me. I looked at her name badge, Nurse Oliver, it said. 'Listen. I know you don't want to be here but I want to help you. I know you're not mental but Dr Harris just wants you to get better. That's why he's admitted you here, so you're safe. Just don't argue, do as the other nurses say and say you're ok. Then you'll be good to go. But don't mention suicide, self-harm or unhappy thoughts as you'll be stuck here for longer'.

I looked at Nurse Oliver cautiously, deciding on whether she was genuinely wanting to help me or not. I decided that she did.

'Alright' I nodded. 'Thanks'.

'I'll see you soon. Keep strong ok? You'll out of here in no time' and with that, she strode away, her blue skirt swinging.

I suddenly heard screeching and I looked around to see where it was coming from. It was from a girl a few years younger than me, and she was sitting in the corner of the room, knees to her chest. She looked scared and tears were beginning to run down her face. She was rocking backwards and forwards, ignoring everyone's stares.

'THEY'RE THERE! GET THEM! NOW. SOMEONE HELP. SOMEONE. ANYONE. HELP ME' she shrieked. 'LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE'.

I saw two doctors rush in and grab her by the arms and yank her upright. One inserted a needle into her arm to sedate her. And then she was carried out, now quiet.

'What's wrong with her?' I murmured.

'She's schizophrenic' someone replied.

'Oh' I muttered, feeling stupid. I lay down on the sofa and once again, closed my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be out of here.

The next few days passed slowly. I obeyed the nurses; I ate their crappy food on command, I socialised, and I didn't mention suicide or self-harm once. They all thought I was better, but the truth is, I'm still as messed up as before.

'Well Liz' Dr Harris sat me down. 'I can see you're a lot better'.

'Yep I am' I chirped. Luckily for me, I was a good actress. I've been pretending for so long; it's like a game.

'That's brilliant Liz. How about going home soon?' He suggested carefully. Thank fuck.

'That would be good. I feel so much better and happier now. I think I'm ready'.

'Good. Who shall I call? You can go today if you wish?'

I thought. I didn't want mum or Matt picking me up. Dan perhaps? He was the only other option. 'Can you try my friend Dan please? Dan Howell' I replied.

'Ok. I'll just make the phone call' and with that, he left the room. I sat nervously in a plastic chair, waiting for Dr Harris to come back.

A few minutes later, he did. 'Dan will pick you up in about 10 minutes. Go downstairs and sign out at the reception desk. I'll sort out the paper work'.

I leapt up. 'Alright. And, um, thanks Dr Harris'.

'You're welcome Liz. I'm glad to see you happier again. A nice girl like you deserves to be happy'.

I ran out of the room, not bothering to reply to his last statement. I was going to be out of this hell-hole and I was going to be free once again. I hurriedly signed the forms in reception and waited outside the hospital on a bench, waiting for Dan.

I looked at my watch, he was 10 minutes late. 'God dammit Dan' I muttered. Eventually, his car pulled up and I ran towards it and threw open the door.

'Hey Liz' Dan laughed. 'Everything ok?'

'Yeah. Fine' I replied, putting on my seatbelt.

'What was the ward like?' He asked.

'Alright' my answers were short; I just wanted to get home. I touched my hair, it was knotty and ratty. I desperately needed it cut.

We drove the rest of the way in uncomfortable silence. We drove down my road and carried on straight past my house.

'HEY!' What are you doing? You've gone past it!' I cried.

'I know' he said slowly. 'I don't want you to be on your own. Your mum and her boyfriend are out, and remember what happened last time you were on your own?'

'Yes. I remember' I snapped. 'And I'm fine now. I'm not going to do it again Dan'.

'Whatever, you're staying with me'. I didn't reply but I just stared out of the window. Dan stopped the car at some traffic lights and I knew it was the perfect time. I threw open the door and jumped out.

'LIZ!' Dan shouted. 'WHAT THE FUCK? COME BACK HERE!'

I picked up my pace and began to walk faster and I heard footsteps behind me. He had obviously quickly parked the car and was now after me.

'LIZ! LIZ! FOR FUCK'S SAKE LIZ. COME ONE. COME BACK!' he sounded quite close so my walk turned into a run. I sprinted down the road but I didn't hear footsteps or speech.

I carried on running. Running away from Dan. Running away from my problems. Running away from life. Because for me, that's the easiest thing to do.


	7. I can't be fixed

I carried on running, not even caring where I was heading. I eventually come to a stop at a crossroad. I stood still, panting hard, my hands on my knees. _Oh fuck. I was lost. Again. _I didn't know what to do, turn back straight away and go and find Dan or stay out for a little bit longer. It was getting dark by now and I had no choice but to retrace my steps and go back and find Dan. I turned around and walked the painful journey back.

I was enjoying my little walk when a hand suddenly appeared on my shoulder. I jumped back in shock and screamed.

'Calm down Liz. It's only me'. Dan.

I stood still, my heart racing. 'Oh. Hey'.

'Fucking hell Liz. You had me worried' he engulfed me in a tight hug.

'Oh. Um. Sorry?'

'So you should be. Come on, my car's around here somewhere' my grabbed my arm and led me to his car, parked about 100 feet away.

'This time, no jumping out' he said sternly. I ignored him and sat in silence. Even when I'm happy, I'm not one for socialising.

Dan drove up a stone driveway and parked the car. I jumped out and slammed the door a little harder than necessary.

'Careful' he frowned. I frowned back, I hated taking orders. Even if there were for my benefit. That was another one of my flaws, I was too damn stubborn. I hated giving in. Even if it was for the best.

Dan opened the brown door and ushered me inside. I stepped in wearily, looking around me. Plain cream walls, no photos, only the odd painting. He led me upstairs to a room with the bed unmade.

'You can sleep here' he said.

'I'm not sharing a bed with you' I replied.

Dan held up his hands in mock surrender. 'I wasn't suggesting that. I'll sleep downstairs'.

'No, it's fine. I'll sleep on the couch downstairs. I would prefer it to be honest' I said instead.

'If you're sure?'

'Totally' I said positively.

'Alright' Dan looked dubious. 'And just before you go to sleep, I wanted to talk about something' he looked nervous.

'Shoot'.

'You know how Dr Harris suggested therapy? And when you ran away from me…I…I…Um…Kind of…Um….Booked a session for you tomorrow' he finished hurriedly.

'WHAT?' I snapped.

'Liz. You're going. Accept it'.

'No' I said stubbornly. 'I'm not'.

'Liz' he pleaded. 'I'm trying to do what's best for you'.

'Then stop' I retorted. 'You're not my fucking father you know'. Dan's face dropped

'I know Liz. I know. I'm just trying to _help_. What's wrong with that?' he said dejectedly.

I sighed. I may as well try it. For Dan. He'd got me this far. 'Fine. Just once though. Agreed?'

'Agreed'.

I said goodnight to Dan and went downstairs to find the couch. It was pretty comfy and I dragged a blanket over me. I couldn't sleep though. I lay awake, my mind going into overdrive. Someone once told me that everyone had a purpose in life. But I guess I just haven't found mine yet. Finally, I dropped off.

'Liz. Time to get up' someone was shaking me.

'No' I moaned and buried my head in the pillow.

'Liz' the voice was more insistent. 'Get up. We're late already'.

'Fuck off' I said, still half asleep. The weight of the blanket was suddenly gone and the cold air was biting at my legs.

'Up'.

'Fine' I pulled myself up into a sitting position. I ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my eyes. 'Come on then. Let's get this shit over and done with'.

The ride to the therapist's office was quiet and awkward to say the least.

'Hello Liz. I'm Dr Carter' she smiled at me. I stared back at her tanned face, her bright green eyes, her mousey brown hair, and her upturned lips.

'Sit down' she gushed. 'Tell me all about yourself'. I continued to stare at her, my arms crossed.

'Well Liz. I've heard a lot about you' she carried on, undaunted. 'I know you were admitted to the psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt, _sorry, _after your self-harming went wrong. I know you're not very happy Liz, I can tell that from your body language easily. I know how hard life's been for you, after your dad left'. She carried on, adding in the odd sympathetic smile now and then. I just wanted to throttle her.

'Listen' I interrupted her. 'I'm not crazy. I don't want you to help me, because a) you're doing a shit job of it' she gasped. 'And b) I don't need help. I'm _fine_'.

'Liz. I know you're not fine. You're a sad and angry girl who wants to take it out on the world and on _herself_. You're mum's been trying to help you but you've been shunning her, so she can't'.

'Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP' my voice rose as I stood up. 'You don't know shit. So fucking stop, ok? You don't know one thing about my family, so just piss off'. I stormed out of her office, banging the door behind me. I strode into the car park and headed for Dan's car. He looked up as I opened the door and got in.

'That was quick' he said.

'I fucking know. Drive'. Dan could hear the anger in my voice and didn't disobey me. As Dan was driving, I couldn't hold it in any longer and let out a sob. He looked at me and pulled over onto the side of the road.

'Oh Liz' was all he said.

'I can't do it. I can't' I sobbed.

'Shhh Liz. You can' he said, stoking my hair.

'No Dan. You don't understand. I _can't. _My life is just too messed up right now, and no matter what I do, it just gets worse and worse. I'm a mess. I'm just broken'.

'You can be fixed Liz' he said, trying to comfort me.

'No Dan, you don't understand. I _can't _be fixed. Don't you get that? I _can't'. _


	8. This was it, this was reality

Dan and I sat there in silence. Me crying, him comforting me.

'Come on' Dan said eventually. 'Let's go home'.

_Home. _I didn't even know where my home was anymore. I didn't even know who _I _was anymore.

The next couple of days passed slowly. I just slept for most of the time. I was eating less and less now, basically only one meal a day. I knew it wasn't good for me, but I didn't care. I just wanted everything to be over.

'I'm going out to see some friends' Dan announced one day. 'Phil's not in so you'll be on your own. Unless you want to come with me?'

'No. Thanks. But I'll be fine' I assured him.

'Alright, see you later' and called out and then he was gone.

I sat on the sofa, my head in my hands and thought. I remembered Matt's words.

_You're just attention seeking._

_I guess that's why no one wants to hang around with you._

_Stop being miserable._

_Stop being you._

_Just give it up._

That's when all the horrible comments people had said to me over the years came rushing back.

_No one likes you._

_You would be better off dead._

_You're a waste of space Liz. _

_Just leave us in peace. You've put everyone through so much pain, it's not fair. _

_Just _die_. _

I walked to the kitchen and got a pen and paper.

"_Dear all._

_I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry but I'm sorry. I give up. It's been a long, hard, uphill battle but it's finally over. I give up. I won't have to live in pain anymore, and you won't either. It'll be better for everyone once I'm gone. Trust me. The sun won't stop rising and it won't stop setting; the moon won't stop orbiting our earth. Life will go on. It won't stop. For me. For anybody. So why shouldn't I go? I'm just one insignificant person who's failed to leave a mark on this world. _

_Stay strong and stay safe. _

_I'll see you all soon'._

I saw the tears soaked in on the paper and I started crying harder.

I opened the cabinet and took a handful of pills. I didn't hesitate as I put them all in my mouth at the same time and took a big gulp of water. Swallowing them all at once.

This was it.

This was reality.

It was happening.

I walked back to the living room. I started to feel dizzy.

Then it hit me. I was going to die. I was going to be _that_ girl who dies, and leaves everyone in shock.

As I sat on the carpet, I started to question whether it was the right choice. But it was too late. I'd made my decision. And there was no going back.

I cried even harder, feeling a small sense of regret. But there was _no_ going back.

I'm dying.

Everything I've ever worked for in my entire life was vanishing. I was throwing it away. In the blink of an eye.

I'm crying. I'm crying for my mum. For my dad who left me. And for Dan. Who'd got me this far. Who wanted to save me more than anything. But some things can't be saved. And I was one of them.

_I'm sorry._

I wanted him here, to hold me. But he isn't here. And he won't be here. I wanted him to promise me that everything will be okay.

But he can't.


	9. She's the one running the show

I open my eyes. Once again, I'm surrounded by white. White walls. White linoleum. White furniture. White flowers. White everything.

I glance to the middle of the room to see a bed there. White of course. Tucked in between the pristine sheets is a girl. A girl with long black hair laying there, her eyes closed. She's not moving.

I move closer and stand right beside her. She looks familiar.

Then I realise.

It's me.

I scream, even though it's obvious no one can hear me.

I pinch my arm. Nothing._ No! Stop. Please stop. Please wake up! _I shout.

Am I dead?

I hear beeping. I move closer towards the bedside table where a machine is stood. It's for measuring heartbeats. I can't be dead then.

Then it hits me. I'm in a coma.

Why am I in a coma?

I stand there in the middle of the room, trying to collect my thoughts. Then it comes rushing back. I overdosed on pills. That was it.

A young nurse then bustles into the room and comes to check on the machine.

'All good' she murmurs. She then straightens my sheets, even though I haven't moved, gently strokes my arm.

'Can I come in?' a meek voice comes from the doorway. The nurse turns around as do I. I'm actually quite surprised to see Dan standing there, holding a bunch of orange tulips. Contradicting the room's colour scheme, which I find slightly amusing.

'Sure' the nurse answers. Dan steps hesitantly into the room and places the tulips on the bedside table. 'Would you like a minute?'

'Please' Dan whispers hoarsely.

'Stay as long as you want sweetheart. Just talk to her'.

'Can she hear me?'

'I don't know for sure but don't doubt that she can hear you. Liz's aware of everything that's going on. It's up to her whether she wants to fight or not. It's up to here whether she wants to stay. She's the one running the show. She's the puppet master, and we're the puppets' the nurse says in reply.

Dan doesn't reply but he nods his head. The nurse walks out of the room as he walks towards me. He sits down on a chair and looks at me.

'Oh Liz' he whispers. He then leans forwards and holds one of my hands, carefully avoiding the various tubes running in and out of my body. He closes his eyes and the tears fall out, wetting his cheeks. He doesn't make any sound as he cries.

'It's ok Liz. I understand if you want to go. You've wanted to for so long now, it's almost a joke. But _I _want you to stay. I haven't wanted anything more in my entire life. Please stay Liz. But if you want to go, that's fine. It's okay if you want to leave. It's okay if you want to stop holding on. It's up to you now Liz. It's just up to you'.

Dan then lets out a cry. A cry full of pain, sorrow, guilt and something else that I can't quite put my finger on.

He continues to cry, his head in his hands. I've never seen Dan cry before. Not even on the day we met.

I wonder if he regrets not slipping off that rooftop before I came along. That way, he wouldn't have to be in any more pain. He wouldn't have had to deal with _me. _

Then I get it. Pain. Sorrow. Guilt. _Regret_.

Sometimes the things you regret in life are the chances you didn't take.

Did Dan regret meeting me?

Dan then gets a scrappy piece of paper out of his pocket and stares at it. I move behind him and look at it too. It's my suicide note. There are fresh wet marks on it now. I'm guessing they're his tears.

'You've left your mark on me Liz. A very big, significant mark' he wiped his tears and carried on.

'_I've _failed. Not you Liz. Me. _You _saved _my _life_. _But _I _failed to save _yours'_.

Please comment whether you're like this story so far or leave some feedback, positive or negative. It's just helpful to know the readers' opinion


	10. We define ourselves by our own suffering

My eyes begin to fill with tears, hearing Dan's words.

He stands up and kissed me on the forehead.

'Please stay' he whispers to me. 'Please'. And then he walks out of the room, leaving me alone. I follow him, down the tiled halls of the hospital and down the stairs and into reception. He stares at the people waiting in reception; I wonder who they're here for, a family member or a friend. And why they're here, what's wrong with that person. I see some people crying. I see some silent. And then I realise, everyone hurts in their own way. And you don't _know _when someone's hurting because they may not show it. I mean, you could have been standing next to someone today who was totally broken but you wouldn't have known. Because they may not want you to know, because they're scared of the reaction they'll get. A smirk. A grin. A laugh. A nudge and a wink. We define ourselves by our own suffering.

I follow Dan into the car park and he gets into a nice Lexis. He jumps into the passenger seat while I hop in behind. His friend, Peej, is driving.

'How is she?' Peej asks.

He's silent for a moment before he speaks. 'No different' he says sadly.

'She'll wake up Dan. The doctor said she had a 65% chance of waking up. That's over half' Peej replies.

'I know. But what if she _doesn't _want to wake up? What if she decides she doesn't want to fight anymore?'

Peej doesn't speak for a few minutes. 'Then I guess it's up to her' he says finally.

I lean forward and look at Dan, his cheeks still wet with tears. I place my hand on his cheek, trying to wipe away the tears. But of course, it doesn't work.

'Hey, Liz's a fighter. She'll pull through' Peej says.

'But what if she's sick of fighting? What if she just wants to give up?' Dan chokes on the last two words as he says them.

'Then it's her choice. And we can't do anything about it. We'll just have to accept it' he says softly.

I think about Dan's words. What does my life have to offer anymore? My mum's a drug addict, my dad's gone. I only have one friend. My whole life has been a mess and I doubt it will clean up in the future. I doubt it will get better. I would only cause people more pain if I decide to stay. And is that fair on them? To put them through hell?

The ride home with Dan and Peej is silent, apart from the occasional sob from Dan. They park the car and open the door to a silent house. Phil comes in from the lounge.

'How's Liz?' he asks straight away.

I guess people _do _care. And the sad thing is, I can only see that _now_.

Peej walks upstairs, leaving Dan to talk to his best friend about me. They walk into the lounge and sit on opposite ends of the sofa.

'She's not great' he admits. 'The nurse said it's her choice whether she wants to wake up. I don't know what I would do without her. She saved my life but I couldn't save hers. I messed up Phil' he says, the tears once again dripping down his face.

'I know it's her choice Dan. And whatever the outcome is, you have to respect that' Phil replies. 'She was a mess Dan. Her whole life was messed up. Everyone could see how unhappy she was. Maybe it would be better for her to not wake up'.

Dan gasps and lets out a strangled cry. His head now buried in his hands. 'Don't say that' he begs his best friend.

'I'm just saying. Have you thought about what Liz may want? I know all of us want her come back. But what do you think she wants? To come back to a life of pain, which may or may not get better, or finally be at peace?'

I mull over Phil's words. How does he _know?_ He understands the decision I will eventually have to make. He understands both sides of the argument. I suddenly wonder; did he ever go through something similar to me? Is that how he knows how I feel? Or could he tell from how I was? Could everyone tell what a mess I was?

'I want what's best for _her' _Dan finally says softly. 'I only want what's best for Liz'.

The next few days are hard for me to watch. I can see how torn up Dan is. He's hardly eating; he's not speaking to anyone. He's a mess. Like how I was. He cries every night, wishing for me to come back. He thinks it's such an easy decision for me. But the truth is, as Phil said, it's _not_. I have to make the most important decision of my life. Whether I stay or not. Whether I decide to live or die. And that decision will change _everything_.

Dan visits the hospital on Thursday. This time, he doesn't bring any flowers. It saddens me in a way. Like the last time, he sits by my bed, holding my hand gently, massaging my cold fingers.

I spot my mum lingering in the doorway, watching Dan, an expression I can't quite place, on her face. She then decides to walk in.

'Hey Dan, how you holding up?' she sounds relatively sober.

'Not too good' he responds.

'How is she?' my mum asks, referring to me.

'No change' he says, his eyes downcast.

'It's been a week and a half now' she says. 'And I was thinking-'

'No' Dan cuts her off.

'Dan, let me finish. 'It's been over a week now and the doctors say that her chance of waking up is decreasing. If you would have wanted to, she would have done by now' my mum's voice is sad but steely.

'Don't' Dan pleads.

My mum takes a deep breath, ignoring his request. 'It may be time for her to give up now. We can't go on like this forever Dan. Someone at some point has to make a decision. And I think it should be sooner or later'. I know what's she's referring to and so does Dan.

Euthanasia.

But it's non-voluntary.

Do I want it or not?

'No' he cries. 'You can't do that!' he jumps up.

'I'm sorry Dan but it may be for the best' she apologizes. I know she's an alcoholic but I _know _she loves me. And I love her.

'No. No, please, no' he pleads, crying now.

'I haven't decided yet. But I'll give it one week. And if she doesn't wake up by then, then we may have to turn the machines off'. I know how hard this is for her. Making the choice to turn off your own child's life support machine is probably the most difficult and heart wrenching thing a parent would ever have to do. And a life changing one too.

My mum does something that totally surprises me. She walks over to Dan and hugs him. 'I'm sorry. I love her just as much as you' she says in his ear. 'I'm really sorry Dan'. She walks out after that, leaving Dan alone with me once more.

'Liz' he says. This time, he's crying harder than he ever has done before. 'Liz. Please,_ please _stay. I know it'll be hard but you have so much to live for. I'm here for you. I've always been here for you and I will _always _be there for you. I promise'. He pauses for a breath then carries on.

'You thought that no one cared Liz. But everyone cares, I promise you. They care. They always have cared. And they always will care. We love you. And no matter what; we will still always love you'.

I always thought that this would be an easy decision for me. I always thought that I wanted to go. But now I'm not so sure.

'But whatever your choice is Liz, I just want you to know that I'll _never _forget you. Ever'.


	11. Time is running out, fast

I don't know what I want anymore.

But I've only got a week to make a decision before that decision is made for me.

Dan gets up and leaves after a while and I trail him, curious to see where he goes next. Where he goes next surprises me in one way but it doesn't in another.

He goes to the building where we first met.

I follow him up the winding steps and onto the roof. It's windy out but it's not cold. He goes and sits down on the edge and I sit next to him. He doesn't speak; he just looks out to the horizon. Thinking.

'Do it' I hear him whisper. What? 'Come on Dan. Just _go_'. I scream at him, even though I know he can't hear me. No one can.

_Don't do it Dan _I beg.

'No. Wait for Liz' he then contradicts himself. I sigh in relief, because he's still got hope. He pulls off his navy blue sweatshirt and stares at his arms. I do too.

I gasp in horror. Gone were his clean arms and bloody, scarred arms were in their absence. _Why Dan? Why? You know it doesn't do any good in the long run. Look what happened to me._ I hear him sigh as he looks at his bloody arms and for a moment, I think he was going to cry. But he doesn't, he holds back and swallows the lump in his throat. I know what he's thinking; crying won't help bring her back.

Dan stays there for a few minutes longer before standing up and walking back down the stairs. I walk with him, listening to the sound of his feet thudding against the metal underfoot. Dan then goes home and slips into his house, unnoticed. Just like how I was. He goes upstairs to his room and lies on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Phil comes in after a while and he slightly rolls his eyes when he sees Dan.

'Y'know, Liz wouldn't want you to be like this' he says, staring hard at him.

'I know but I can't help myself' he replies; still staring at the ceiling. 'Her mum said that she would turn the life support off in a week if Liz doesn't wake up by then' he suddenly announces.

Phil's mouth drops open. '…Shit…'

'She won't wake up, will she?' Dan asks softly.

'I don't know Dan. I really don't know' Phil replies.

I can't be here any longer, it's too hard watching Dan fall to pieces. So, for the first time, I go home.

My mum's sitting in the living room, beer bottles scattered around. She's staring at the TV even though it's not on. A tear falls out of her eye and she wipes it with the back of her hand. Matt comes in then and sees her sitting on the sofa and joins her.

He puts his arm around her and she lays her neck on his shoulder. 'I'm a shit parent, aren't I?' she says.

'No you're not Sarah. You can't blame yourself' he replies.

But I know she does. I know she blames herself for not raising me stronger. She blames herself for not being there for me, when I needed her most. She blames herself for not raising me better. She thinks it's her fault that I ended up this way.

'I should have realised what was going on. But when I did, it was too late' she says hoarsely, the tears now running furiously down her cheeks.

'It's never too late' Matt says to her, kissing her forehead. 'There's still hope for Liz'.

Watching my mum slowly fall apart is more difficult than watching Dan do the same. I can't stand to be here anymore so I go back to the hospital.

The hospital's just as bad to be honest. I go to the children's hospice. I see children lying in bed, parents sitting by their sides. Both are crying. I see children watching TV, playing games, interacting with others. Enjoying their life before it has to come to an end.

I go to one room where a girl is lying down, eyes closed. She looks to be about 14-15. I read her card: Laura Reynolds, 15, Leukaemia. She looks so peaceful, lying there. All of a sudden, the machines start to beep like crazy. Two doctors, one male and one female, suddenly rush into the room along with a nurse. The male doctor frantically pushes at her chest, the nurse at the machine, the other doctor attaching an oxygen mask to her face.

'Come on. Come on. COME ON' the male doctor shouts, his eyes glistening.

Then there's a long beep. Then nothing. Silence.

The nurse moves away from the machine and stands by Laura's head. The female doctor gently lifts the mask off her face. And male doctor lifts the equipment off the 15 year old's body.

'She's gone' the nurse says sadly. Neither doctor utters a sound. But their tears speak a thousand words.

Without a word, they pack up and exit after the nurse lifts a sheet over the girl's body, covering her. And then they leave, just like that.

I stand there for a little while, incapable of moving. That's when I start to cry. Her life ended and she had no choice in the matter. No choice whatsoever. The decision was made for her and she had to accept it.

I leave then and find the male doctor standing with a middle-aged couple. The girl's parents I guess. I wonder over and stand by the doctor's side while he prepares to tell them the news. News that will change their lives forever.

'Mr and Mrs Reynolds' he starts before he has to compose himself. This isn't easy for him either. Telling them that their child had died and he couldn't save her. 'I'm so sorry to tell you that Laura sadly passed away a few minutes ago. We did everything we could but it was too late. I'm so sorry' he manages to say before the tears run down his face.

Laura's mother screams and falls to the ground. All the father can do is just stare at the doctor.

'No' he whispers. 'She…She…She can't be…Dead' he chokes out.

The doctor nods gravely. 'I'm so sorry but she is. I'll give you a moment' he says, excusing himself. Laura's mum is still on the floor, sobbing. Her dad bends down and picks her up, supporting her weight. Together, they walk over to some seats in the corner and sit down. They don't speak a single word but they cry.

I know what they're thinking – our precious baby girl. She's gone. Forever. She won't be coming back. We'll never see her again. We'll never hug her. We'll never kiss her, see her smile, and see her laugh. And my heart breaks for them.

Is that what it would be like if I decide to go? Would my mum be in that much grief? Would Dan?

Then I think about Laura and every other person with a terminal illness. How much they would give to be able to live and to not die.

I suddenly feel selfish, knowing that I have the choice when millions of other people don't. Their choice was made for them but mine hasn't been. Yet.

But _I _still haven't decided. However, time is running out. Fast.


	12. It's her life

My mum visits the hospital again on Tuesday. Two days before they may decide to euthanize me. I only have two days to make a life-changing decision.

She comes in and sits down on one of the plastic chairs by my bed, like Dan does.

'Oh Liz' she says gently, stoking my hair. 'Oh Liz' she repeats. She closed her eyes and a small tear escapes but she doesn't bother to wipe it away. She just sits there silently. Then she weeps harder. She puts her head in her hands and lets out a cry full of pain. And then I realised, grief does not _change_ you. It _reveals_ you.

I see Dan walk in then and he comes and sits down next to her wordlessly. He holds her hand while she sobs.

'She's not going to wake up, is she?' My mum asks Dan.

Dan shakes his head. 'I don't know' he whispers.

My mum cries harder. 'I won't be a parent anymore' she says quietly.

I see Dan's eyes fill up as he grips her hand tighter. My heart shatters. Hearing my mum say those words breaks me. The tears run down my face as I sit next to her, telling her that everything will be okay. But I can't, because I don't know if everything _will _be okay.

Phil's the one to visit next, a few hours later after my mum and Dan left. He didn't stay for long though. He came in and stared at my still body. He gently picks up one of my arms and looks at it, tracing the scars with his finger gently. He then carefully puts it back down.

'Liz. You have to pull through. You have to hold on. Everyone's a mess Liz. Dan's broken, he's really broken. He's barely functioning, he's not eating, and he's not talking. I've seen his arms too. He tries to hide them but I know what he's doing. It's his way of coping. I _can't _lose him too, I just can't. You have to come back, for Dan's sake. He loves you Liz. He needs you'.

Phil gets up and leaves after he says his bit but I decide not to follow him. I just stay with my unconscious self. But it seems like today's the day for visitors as I have another one about an hour later.

A tall man, with dark brown hair comes in and looks at me, as if he doesn't know who I am or why I'm here.

'Liz?' He says to himself.

_Dad?_

'Liz. Is that really you?' he comes over and stands over me, taking in every little detail. 'My baby girl' he murmurs.

_Dad. _I begin to cry then. I haven't seen my father in 15 years and the only time he decides to visit is when I'm in a coma. It's ironic really.

'Oh Lizzie' he says. 'Why?' It's a rhetorical question obviously. Plus, I can't exactly answer it, me being in a coma and all.

_I don't know dad_. I've missed him. He's missed seeing his baby girl grow up into a young adult. He's missed out on 15 years of my life.

'I can't stay long Lizzie' he says to me. I wonder what his life is like now, if he's married, if he's got kids or not. 'But I just want you to know that I love you and I will always love you' his voice cracks. 'Bye Lizzie. Stay strong, okay? I love you' he picks up his coats and walks out without a backward glance. And then I'm left all alone.

I decide to go to the Dan's. I walk into the kitchen to see Dan shouting Chris.

'I can't Chris!' his voice is exasperated. 'I only have one more day before the decision is made for her'.

'I know Dan I understand' Chris says gently.

'No you don't!' he shouts. I've never heard him shout before. 'And don't pretend that you do! Because you never will! To see the person you love slip away before your eyes is the most difficult thing in the world. And the worst part is; I can't do anything now. It's up to her and I can't do shit anymore'.

Chris is silent before walking over to Dan and hugging him.

'I'm sorry Dan. I really am. But you have to respect Liz's choice no matter what. It's her life' he says.

'I know. I just wish she could hear me' he says quietly.

They stay like that for a while before Dan goes upstairs. He goes into the bathroom so I go and hang in his room. He comes in after a minute.

'Liz. If you can hear me, I want to tell you something' he says. 'I just want you to know what whatever your decision is; I will accept it because it's what you want. But you have so much ahead of you but you won't be able to see it if you go. You saved my life that day we met and you changed my life too. But I want you to know that I love you Liz. So please, hold on. Please'.

He's crying now and he gets into bed, lifting the covers over his body. I slip in beside him and watch him cry himself to sleep.


	13. There will be no going back

It's Thursday.

It's the day.

But I've decided and there will be _no _going back.

Dan visits at 11am and I sit there with him. I can see what Phil means, he's a real mess. His cheeks are sunken in and his eyes are dull and lifeless.

'Wake up Liz. Wake up' he begs but of course, I don't. 'You've only got one hour Liz. Wake up. _Please_'.

He's silent for a moment before carrying on. 'I won't be here Liz. I can't watch you slip away. I'll go beforehand. I'll go to the rooftop where we first met, yeah? And I'll think of you when I'm up there. I won't forget you Liz. Ever'.

He stands up and a few tears roll down his cheek before landing on the sheets of my bed.

'I guess this is it' he says through his tears. 'This is really it Liz. You've wanted to go for so long and now you finally can. You can be in peace, no more pain and no more suffering' he grips the edge of the bed for support. He bends down and kisses me softly on the forehead. 'I love you' he says gently before walking away.

He stops at the door and turns around, one last time. 'Goodbye Liz' he says sadly before turning on his foot and walking away. He doesn't look back.

My mum comes in only a few minutes after and I'm surprised Matt's not with her. I would have thought that she would have wanted support.

She sits down and gets out a heavy book. I look over her shoulder as she flits through the pages. It's a photo album. Pictures of me when I was first born; when I was a toddler; my first day at school; my first day at secondary school; my 13th birthday; my 16th birthday. She cries silently as she stares at the pictures of her little girl. Her hands are white as she grips the book.

I only have about 10 minutes before it happens and I want to cherish every single moment.

'I love you mum' I say in her ear.

The 10 minutes goes quickly and before I know it, there's a doctor in the room. He walks over to the life-support machine and puts a hand on the button that will change everything.

'Not much longer now' he tells my mum; who's crying so hard she can't even speak.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.


	14. The life you save may also be your own

I open my eyes.

'Liz?' my mum whispers.

The doctor lifts his hand off the life support machine and stares at me in shock.

'Liz?' my mum repeats.

'Hey mum' I smile weakly. It feels weird being back in my own body, I feel _heavy_. Like the doctor, she stares at me before engulfing me in a massive hug.

'My baby girl' she says over and over again, kissing me.

'I'm back' I say.

'Oh my god Liz. I thought you weren't coming back. It was nearly over for you' she says. The doctor is still staring. I guess he can't quite believe it. And neither can I to be honest. At first, I did want to go but seeing everyone and how their lives had changed made me think. Life _will_ get better, pain is only temporary and people _do_ care. That was my problem I guess, I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I thought that no one cared. When in fact, more people cared than I had originally thought.

I lift my body up. 'I need to go. Right now' I say. 'It's a matter of life and death. Literally'.

'Why?' the doctor asks me.

'It's a friend. He needs help. I need to get to him before it's too late.

'Please' I insist. I know why Dan's going to the rooftop. I know what he's going to do. He thought that I wasn't coming back so he was going to join me. I need to get there quickly.

'I'm sorry but I can't let you go just yet Liz. You've just woken up from a coma'.

'I _need to´_ I say.

'Sorry but it doesn't work like that'. The doctor is firm.

'_Fine_. But can you all leave me so I can have some rest?' I ask.

'If that's what you would like' he doctor replied.

'It is'.

'Ok, but press the red button if you need anything'.

'Alright' I say, closing my eyes, waiting for them to leave. And soon enough, they do.

I wait five minutes before leaping out of the bed, throwing back the covers. I creep down the hallways, occasionally ducking into a doorway when I see a doctor or nurse. I take the long route, so I don't have to go past reception. Over the past few days, I've gotten to know this hospital pretty well.

I exit out of the back entrance and run home, only now aware that I'm dressed in one of those disgusting gowns that they hospital give you. I decide to take a slight detour and go home to get changed. I run into my house, thankful that no one's there, and throw on a pair of grey jeans and a black t-shirt and hoodie, only stopping to put shoes on before I rush out again.

I run all the way to the city centre without stopping and I go to the building where Dan will be. I charge up the millions of steps to get to the roof, now completely out of breath.

_I may be too late _I think to myself, panting hard. I shove open the heavy door that leads onto the roof and look around frantically. _I can't see him. I'm too late_ I think to myself. I force myself to walk out and look around again. This time, I see him, in the same place where we first met. I walk over to him and stand a few feet behind him. I can hear him muttering to himself.

'I'll be with you soon Liz' he says to himself. He's hunched over against the wind, his hands on the edge. He's staring at the horizon. I've stared at that view so many times myself, though it changes each time. I now understand that some things will always remain the same but other things would change. And they would continue to change and that was how they should be. But throughout everything that lay ahead was the spirit of hope – the hope for a better future, with every new day.

'Dan' I say eventually. He freezes and turns around slowly.

'Liz?' he says. He gets up and comes over to me, his eyes filled with tears. 'You're here' he says, almost to himself.

I don't say anything but I wrap my arms around him, hugging him so tightly. I lean back and look into his brown eyes.

'I am. And I will always be' I reply, still hugging him. He looks down at me.

'Promise?' he whispers.

'I promise'.

He bends his head down and I reach up. He tightens his hold on me as our lips meet.

'I love you' I say softly.

'I love you too' he relies. We let go of each other and stared into the horizon, still holding hands.

I knew I'd be going through life with a new perspective – I wouldn't be constantly looking back into my past. Because now was the time to start looking forward to finding out what lay beyond the horizon.

'Remember' Dan says. 'The life you save may also be your own'.


	15. Author's note (updated)

_Updated:_

_Hi guys,_

_To Save a Life is now finished and I hope you all enjoyed it. I was complementing on not waking Liz up but I decided against it, because I thought it would be too sad. But sadly, it does happen in real life although this story is just a work of fiction._

_Suicide is NEVER the answer, it never has, and it never will be. Things ALWAYS get better, never doubt that they will. Metaphorically speaking, life is a story. Each part of your life is like a chapter. And if you don't like a certain chapter in your life, then take comfort in the fact that there's another chapter and that that chapter will improve. As Austin Carlile said, 'you have many options in life; don't make giving up one of them'._

'_Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. It eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better'._

_Remember, you're loved. You always have been loved and you always will be._

_-K._

_P.S. Many of you wanted a new story, so I've just started one and it's called 'Solitude'. So go and give it a read and let me know what you think!_


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